I Combated Panic Attacks with Downward Dog

Using yoga to rewire the brain’s reaction to an attack

It was in broad daylight beneath the towering skyscrapers lining the Chicago River when it whacked me on the side of the head out of nowhere.

The world started tilting and for the first time I empathized with those cartoons spinning in circles with stars whirling around their head.

Just 15 minutes prior I was hugging family goodbye, wishing everyone safe travels as we all went our separate ways after a family reunion. Around the corner and out of sight suddenly the world around me felt distant, unreal.

I grabbed for my boyfriend’s hand, arm, anything as I made my way to the nearest stoop, blurting out something about feeling suddenly lightheaded. As he walked off to find some water I gasped for breath, tried to understand the sudden wave of vertigo and disorientation.

I knew where I was but I didn’t. Sunlight blinded my eyes but I was overwhelmed with darkness. Scared, and alone.

At some point he returned with water. I assume I took some deep breaths and a few long swigs, but the memory is all a bit blurry.

This kind of thing varies, person to person. It wasn’t my first rodeo. The sheer bleakness, the perception of the world around me stripped to the barest of bones — I had been hit with it before.

Familiarity makes it no more bearable. And on this particular occasion I was struck with the acute sensation of walking around in a dream, alienated from my surroundings, from who I was with.

Reality didn’t feel real.

On the outside I presented the calmest facade I could muster. One thing consistent with my own history with anxiety attacks is the feeling of complete and utter aloneness. The alienation. And the strange desperate need to act like everything is ok.

For the next few hours I tried to hold it together, following my partner and wandering through Navy Pier, riding the Ferris wheel, strolling…

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