The Healing Necessity of Imagining Gay History

History is written by the poacher, not the lion, and therefore many of the lions’ tales are lost. The further back into history you reach, the more this is the case. In Britain, February is LGBTQ+…

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An Adventure with Cancer

Photo: Lee Sayer

Learning that you have cancer is perhaps one of the scariest things that you could ever hear and it definitely forced me to process Death on a whole new level. I know that personally the fear of having cancer for the second time in my life was what had kept me from seeking western medicine for the past 5 years of intermittent illness. I was only 32 and extremely unconscious the first time I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and then only 8 weeks later diagnosed with uterine cancer. After two surgeries which ultimately led to a complete hysterectomy, five rounds of chemo and radiation plus interferon I was deemed cancer free and went about my life once again. I vowed that I would never go through that again and that declaration to myself damn near killed me.

The first time I was diagnosed, I was still so utterly terrified of human beings that I had literally refused to allow anyone to help me and for the most part went through the entire experience alone. Many days actually taking myself for my treatments and then barely making it to a local park near the hospital where I would crawl into the grass and lay my head on mother earth as I vomited viciously.

My past experience had traumatized me so much that when I starting get sick this time, I was petrified to go to a Doctor to actually get tested. I had lived for the past 5 years being sick ‘on and off’ and getting to the point where I was almost completely unable to eat. As crazy as it might seem, if it hadn’t been for me starting to bleed rectally I’m pretty sure that I would not have went to the hospital in the first place.

Anyway, if you are reading this then you know that it all went so quickly after I finally allowed a friend to drive me to the hospital and within 3 days I was in Colorado Springs having surgery to remove a 2-inch tumor, two smaller tumors and 9 polyps from my intestines.

As I tried to keep myself centered during the whirlwind experience, my immediate response was to feel gratitude for everyone that had tried to convince me over the years of illness to go to the doctor. I had been so stubborn, almost to the point of it killing me.

After the diagnosis and initial shock, I found myself constantly in deep meditation, calling all my spirit helpers, asking that they hold me and support me, and asking for guidance and forgiveness as I prepared to tell all those that love me that I had damn near killed myself because I wouldn’t listen to them. I sat in deep meditation and I journeyed and called on my totem animal of the Black Leopard, a sacred being that I have been very close to since my childhood. The Leopard would wisely tell me over and over that “Life does not belong to you; you belong to Life.”

Further tests in the following days revealed that the cancer was extremely aggressive and I remember thinking that the Doctor was crazy because somehow that fact excited her. Seems that the medicine that she wanted to give me actually worked best with aggressive cancer. A battery of other test gratefully revealed that no other organs were affected, yet I knew that this was a life-threatening situation and if the medicine didn’t work or if I couldn’t raise the enormous sum of money to pay for the treatments it could be a matter of just a few months. The Doctor had told me twice how lucky I was that I came in when I did. As aggressive as the cancer was she said that I would have been dead by the year’s end. It seems that the cancer had taken off suddenly like a lightening strike and was spreading fast.

My shamanic practice has been a major support for me, as well as the love and care of my local community and so many friends all around the world. Because of my past 10 years of service in the world, I regularly communicate with many around the world and have experienced firsthand the healing power of community, both local and virtual.

During my past experience of cancer, I had learned pretty much nothing about life, death, healing, and myself, yet this time these ongoing teachings have deepened with my current experience. It is a wonder, and I dare say, a blessing the way spirits work and teaches us.

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Guidance from my Spirit Guides

Soon after the surgery, I did a shamanic journey with the intention of meeting with my power animals and spirit teachers, asking their support, and finding out what they wanted to tell me. As the journey started my power animals took me way up into space in the Upper World. We stopped far away from the planet, where the Earth looks like a small sphere, the size of a small soccer ball. My power animals pointed to the Earth and told me “The Earth is hurting. Your body is also hurting. Your body is the Earth.” I think of the cancer in my intestines and of the current destruction of the Earth. And I know that my healing is not an isolated process; my healing needs to be an intimate part of, and contribute to, the healing of the Earth.

In this and other journeys, my spirit guides urged me to have a clear conscious intent concerning what was happening to me. I love this world, I love life, I love my body, and I do not want to die. I went inside and I knew. I spoke and repeated my intent to my spirit guides, and to the Universe: If the Universe and spirits are telling me it is time to go, so be it; and if there is the smallest crack or opening I want to go through it and live another twenty years.

From the very start, with the guidance of my spirit helpers, my relationship with my cancerous cells was one of love, respect and gratitude. The cells in my body had helped me survive in the past and now many of them were ill. I was grateful and I thanked them for the many teachings they were bringing me. My culture wanted me to win the war on cancer. Even some of my friends, with heart, tell me: “Malathy, you’re strong, you’re a fighter, you’ll win this war and they attempt to motivate me to get up and get busy.” I quickly realize that I do not want to wage a war or fight my cancer cells and I definitely don’t want to get up and get busy. I know that my personal journey must include tremendous quiet and inward journey, so I listen inwardly instead of to those around me and spent many hours each day becoming one with the medicine. I know that there is already too much warring and fighting among us humans going on everywhere and that I was not invaded by an enemy. My cells were ill and I vowed to love them regardless. I was perhaps being given the greatest gift of my existence thus far by being cleansed of any remaining discord within my body.

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Spirits of the Chemo

The chemo, called Xeloda, was in the form of bright orange pills that I took every morning and every evening at home. I begged the Doctor to start me on a lower dose and she yielded for the first round until the test results showed that it was not working effectively. At that point, she convinced me that I must take the maximum dosage if the treatment was to be successful. Those that know me, realize that I’m extremely sensitive so the side effects were pretty intense. The maximum dosage felt like a freight train on fire ripping through my veins exactly 45 minutes after I took the pills and lasted for hours. I had a rash, massive headaches, diarrhea, vomiting, hair loss and weight loss because food just no longer felt like a good idea.

From the very beginning, I went on a strict diet which continues today, and this time with cancer, (although some will argue) I sought out and allowed others to support me, including many various alternative healers. I worked with several of our amazing alternative healing practitioners in my community that prescribed various vitamins, CBD and hemp oils and other herbal supplements. I had regular acupuncture sessions, massages and various forms of energy and bodywork. From the start I did something new for me and asked for full openness and cooperation between my alternative and western medicine healers and physicians. I wanted no separation and I am extremely grateful that my western physician was very open to my wishes and went above and beyond to work in conjunction with my alternative healers.

I also had shamanic healings from several shamanic colleagues; both local and also a Quechua shaman from the Peruvian Andes trained in Lakota ways who performed several ceremonies for me.

Every time that I took the medication, I journeyed to the spirits of the medicine to honor them, bless them, and ask for a most appropriate outcome in accordance with the greater harmony of the Whole, now and into the future.

On several occasion the spirit of the medicine showed itself clearly as an cosmic elder. I asked for her guidance as I underwent the treatments. The spirit of the medication told me: “You are being healed by your cosmic ancestors. It’s time for all residual trauma and terror trapped within your body to be healed. You are not done with your service on this Earth. You are just beginning. If ever there were a time, it is now!” Hearing this message brought a fundamental change to the medical treatment I was undertaking. I was no longer being bombarded by poison, with all the scary aspects that came with it. Instead, my cosmic ancestors were healing me. I was shown clearly that it was a sacred treatment. Although the side effects were no less, my days were filled with deep silence, meditation, joy, wonder and gratitude.

Spirits of Cancer

Early on, I did several journeys to the spirit of cancer, which showed itself as a large Africa Asp Snake. What I learned was that this cancer was about change, transformation; and when I asked about the intestines, the spirit said it was about a change in expression. I also learned that what may have caused the cancer in the past was not important. I needed to live fully in the present moment, to focus on the present healing.

I journeyed daily to the spirit of my chemo, Xeloda, with whom I had become very close. The spirit, which showed itself in the form of a Bobcat, has given me much advice on how to live in the moment and how to be with the cancer. It taught me a ritual which I performed each day, twice a day, right after I got up and right before I went to bed, as I took the daily Xeloda pills.

I know that more people wanted to come visit me during my months of treatment, yet I assure you I was very busy. My usual morning ritual consisted of cleansing, honoring and deep meditation, after which I contacted the spirits whose various ordinary reality manifestations I would encounter during the day. I would contact my cancer cells and send them love and gratitude. I asked that, if appropriate, they use the spiritual and bio-chemical energy of Xeloda, the energy of the supplements and food I took, and the power of the healings and love I received to transform themselves into something beautiful, something that could leave my body and go out into this beautiful world. I connected with the healthy cells in my intestines and ask that my intestines breathe in love and breathe out love. I connected with the cells of my heart. I asked that my heart be of service to the world. I contacted the spirit of the microbiome, the multitude of bacteria, viruses and fungi that inhabited my intestines. I expressed gratitude to them for helping in my healing. I asked that they remind me daily that everything, absolutely everything is interconnected.

Holding the Xeloda pills in my hands, I would then turn toward the six directions, asking the spirit of Xeloda and of the directions that my healing contribute to the healing of friends and relatives who had requested this from me, the healing of the Earth, and the healing of those brothers and sisters in the world who have no access to the medicines and healings I am privileged to have.

Four months after I started the Xeloda, the Doctor informed me today that things have stabilized, with no spreading, which is what this chemo is meant to do. I am no longer in pain. My health is improving daily, I think I will be able to eat normally again soon and my weight is already on the upside, my hair is starting to grow again much like the spring flowers and my energy and vitality have been steadily increasing. I find myself daily flooded with so much gratitude. Miracles are possible and I am one of them.

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Lessons of Cancer from Nature

The teachings I have received from my spirits, and continue to receive almost daily as I seek their guidance on my current life journey have been many. I only share a few here. A huge grove of dying trees that I visit often recently told me: “Live every moment as if it was…. the first, not the last.”

While I was there with the trees, I asked spirits guidance concerning a paradox that I had lived with for years. Strangers saw me as quite healthy, I did not look sick until the very end, yet I knew that inside me was a potentially fatal disease and I struggled because I needed to hold both truths at the same time. The Spirits of what I call the “Life and Death Grove’ reminded me that this is what we need to do throughout our entire life, holding life and death at the same time. I knew that spiritually and mentally, and have written about it in the past, yet now I knew and was living this paradox bodily.

Another major learning came unexpectedly during one of my morning rituals. Spirits reminded me that when I first voiced my intention to live another 20 years spirits willing, I knew why I did not want to die — I love this beautiful world. They told me that morning the real question I needed to answer is: “Why do I want to live?”

These are two very different questions. I quickly realized that my immediate answers to why I wanted to live — such as to be of service, or help the human species be in harmony with the Earth and all its inhabitants — were too mental. This was not just a philosophical question. I realized that I need to go much deeper into the essence of Life. I started a deep inquiry that is still ongoing. Part of my answer, which cannot easily be put into words, is that I want to live so that I can, in every moment of my life, live the sacredness and interconnectedness of everything. In whatever way this manifests itself, I want to be of service to those that are scared, fearful and confused by the insanity of our current world. I want more than anything to be fully present for the many who remain trapped within duality and this ‘designer reality.’ I want to be fully present for whatever is yet to come. I decided that the only way that I wanted to be alive right now was to hold what my friend Victoria More described to me as Authentic Compassion. She brilliantly described Authentic Compassion as the capacity to hold both the pain and suffering, as well as the joy and love of others with no judgment, no attachment; while simultaneously holding conscious energetic space for the highest possible outcome.

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The Mountains are my God

As we know, nature has a way to teach and heal us when we are fully conscious in ordinary reality. Nature has always blessed me in this regard when I have been open and connected to listen. I want to share a few simple, yet profound, interactions with nature.

I regularly visit the mountains near my home to seek guidance and healing from the spirits of the mountains, whom I call Apus. The Apus mountain spirits were powerful forces in Incan mythology, and even today the mountains remain sacred among people in the Andean regions of modern Peru. This practice deeply touches my soul as the mountains have always represented my viewpoint of God. Early in my journey with this cancer on one of my weeks off the medication, I sat one day on a beautiful rock in the honored Apus, surrounded by trees and blessed by them. I asked if appropriate would they send me a healing, as well as to all my brothers and sisters in the world who also seeking healing. My whole body jumped as I watched as a tree limb suddenly fell, thankfully sufficiently far from my rock so as not to cause any concerns. Then I closed my eyes to just listen to the silence of the forest wondering what the deeper meaning of this occurrence would reveal. My body was alive as I was suddenly reminded of the dying and birthing that occurred daily in the forest. I felt I had received a huge healing from the Apus and I thanked them.

Three weeks later I am sitting on the same rock. A crow comes flying close in front of me and lands just to my left barely two feet away. He’s looking at me with the strangest look. Then he starts making sounds. The crow continues and I respond, clearing my throat with the same raspy sound. The crow starts again, and we go on back and forth for a good five minutes. It is an intense conversation. The crow then preens himself on the tail feathers. Then the female crow comes flying right in front of us and lands next to her mate. She preens herself. He stops preening himself and preens her in the areas she cannot reach with her own beak, primarily the top of her head, her brain. It is sweet and tender. Then he softly takes her beak in his own beak, and they stay that way, without moving, for a while. Then she flies away to find some food at the base of a huge Ponderosa Pine. He soon joins her.

From that day on my ability to receive assistance took on a different meaning for me. I knew, as I did after the healing with the Apus, that I was not alone on this journey. Nature in all its manifestations was accompanying me, loving me, caring for me and encouraging me to open my heart just a little bit more to allow others to love me.

There have been many other such blessings from nature beings, and they have continued to this day. I am grateful and have written about them in other stories coming soon.

The Unknown and The Mystery of it All

My journey with cancer has been one of seeking to live in the moment, allowing others to assist me, support me and love me and most importantly moving every moment into the Unknown. Moving into the Unknown and being comfortable with the mystery of it all.

Especially in the times that we find ourselves, we face the Unknown everyday and all I can feel is blessed and grateful. I feel blessed and grateful for the many teachings I have received and am still receiving, for the love and support from spirits, for the love and care from my community and so many friends from around our beautiful planet. If it had not been for your loving support, I would not have lived. I Thank You!

The Healing Necessity of Imagining Gay History

An Adventure with Cancer

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