Rethinking Divorce

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve heard countless people talk about the divorce epidemic. It was said that half of all marriages ended in divorce, and that number was rising. The very institution was under attack.

But then, I watched her life open up as she freed herself from a toxic marriage.

That was almost twenty years ago (I’m 31, if you’re wondering). In the two decades since, never once has she regretted her divorce. And as I’ve grown up and walked alongside other couples who have divorced, I’m beginning to wonder if the “epidemic” I was warned about is as serious as I was told.

Let me start first by stating plainly that divorce is almost always a painful process. No matter how bad the marriage was, the divorce proceedings itself is hell on earth.

That said, there are a few reasons it’s not as serious as it seems.

Like I said, divorce is painful.

But sometimes, a marriage can be pretty painful.

When I graduated from college, I lived with a married couple a few years older than me. As soon as I moved in, I realized their relationship was strained. The husband said cruel things when he was angry—and it didn’t take much for him to get angry.

In the four months I lived there, I watched her walk on egg shells any time she expressed herself. If he was in the wrong mood, a casual remark could invite insult and hostility. She lived in a constant state of anxiety and guardedness.

Another pair of friends were married for over a decade. Everything seemed fine—until he had an affair.

In the aftermath, the wife realized that since the beginning of their relationship, she had endured abuse and manipulation, covering it every step of the way because “we have to work it out.” She replayed moments in her memory, realizing that their marriage had never been healthy.

Both of these marriages have ended in divorce. And both divorces were violent, painful undertakings.

But each marriage was also violent and painful. And in the years since they’ve split, I’ve seen my friends become more self-assured, healthier, and obviously happier.

Now, women in the States are more financially independent than ever before, managing their own careers, owning their own homes, and raising kids on their own.

A few decades ago, a woman would have had a very hard time living on her own. Leaving an abusive marriage wasn’t an option, lest she subject herself to poverty and stigma.

But of course, that doesn’t mean that there was less abuse. Instead, wives were trapped in dangerous marriages.

A lower rate of divorce doesn’t mean a higher rate of healthy marriages.

And those seven years bring experience. Fewer people are rushing into marriage with the wrong person. People are more educated and more financially stable when they wed. And, fewer people are getting married because they need to.

Even with these facts, I still get a little sad when I realize how many of my friends have gone through the pain of divorce. But at the end of the day, I can’t do anything about that.

All I can do is to hold tight to my wife, invest in our own marriage, and support our friends who need supporting.

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